Jamie

Jamie
Jamie is the son or daughter my wife and I were going to have back in the summer of 2015. The child was lost due to miscarriage at around 3 months. At the time the loss wasn’t that hard to deal with. I cant explain why this is so, but its the truth. We had 2 very young kids already with a 2 year old and a 1 year old. I think that my wife was actually relieved a little because of our financial situation with me being a poker player that wasn’t bringing in all that much cash. I think that she went through more stress than I did about the financials in the end.
We named him or her Jamie because of the unisex use of that name. This was mostly my idea and I’m not sure my wife was into it at the time.
Soon after this I started to make a lot more money once I got into the 20/40 game at the mirage. A year later we got pregnant again with our 3rd child Blake. He was born healthy and still is at age 10.
Starting about 6-7 years ago I have been thinking about Jamie. Often its just about how much fun it would be to have another child in my life.
Last night was one of these times. I went to bed praying that I would either have an out of body experience where I could interact with Jamie or have a dream about her (even though Jamie could be male or female I typically picture a girl for some reason, so I will use the her pronoun from here on out for the simplicity of the writing).
I ended up having one of the most vivid dreams that I have had while. It began with the feeling that I was waking up from a dream in which I was in a timeline where Blake was dead. I cannot remember why he was dead, but that it had happened a few years back and we had been trying to live with it at this point. The big problem is that in the dream that I “awoke” from within the dream this was still the case with Blake being gone. I have had a lot of dreams where something bad is the reality and there is always a huge sigh of relief when I wake up from that dream because it was not reality and things are back to normal. When I woke from this dream within a dream I did not experience that relief because that was the reality that still presented itself. I remember telling myself that I wish I was dreaming still because he was gone.
A few days pass within the dream and my wife and I are trying to get through our reality in which we only have 2 kids. Every time I think about him I get this gut wrenching feeling that hes gone and that my life will never be the same. I turn my thoughts to the fact that he will not grow older and experience things for himself. All of these thoughts push me deeper into sadness and I begin to breakdown and cry.

I sob.

My heart aches for him and for the past to be different. I miss him and I miss all that he will be, all that he could be, all that he dreams to be. I cant stand, fall to my knees and continue to experience heartache like I have never felt before (awake or asleep. I wake up right then and quickly get the normal sigh of relief come over me like a warm blanket when I realize all of that was just a dream.

Blake is STILL ALIVE!!!
Oh I have never been so glad that I had been dreaming. I go to the bathroom and then I go back to sleep. Before I fall asleep I again pray that I will dream about Jamie. I do not realize it yet, but I just had a dream about her.
When I wake up in the morning I get ready for the day by taking a shower, brushing my teeth, making coffee, pack up my room and head downstairs for the hot breakfast at the Hampton Inn in Monroe Detroit. While I am sitting there eating my biscuits and gravy I begin to reflect on my dream. Its right here when I make the connection that it actually was about Jamie.
While reflecting on the overwhelming emotion I have just experienced I start to make the connection that the feeling I feel about Blake was for Jamie. I did lose her, and have not really felt that a loss like that before.
Another thought I have is that Blake could be Jamie returned to us. That feels wrong to say, but I guess could be possible given that we do not know entirely what happens when we die. Perhaps it was always meant for us to have three children, so when we lost Jamie her soul was given a new body by God.
I am truly thankful to have felt that strong of an emotion in that dream. It give me a deeper connection to Jamie. It gives me more depth as a person too. The more feels I can feel the more perspective I have on the rest of it.

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